Well, I’ve done it again. My last post was on June 30th, and I can’t believe I’ve let that much time go by without writing something! Even something crappy! But, in my defense, I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch…
I want to be completely honest, because I want to express that changes in life aren’t easy or always pleasant. I want to be real about my life and my experiences and how amazing and how completely shitty they can be. Over the past few months, I’ve been sinking into a depression. The sun is shining here in L.A. The weather is warm. It never rains. I’m making good money. I am reading books.
And I have been miserable.
I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss the smell of cool rain on hot pavement. I miss our yearly summer vacation in Maine. I miss having cookouts on warm summer nights with burned hamburgers and cheap beer. I miss sitting with my beautiful best friends and talking about nothing and everything. I miss going grocery shopping with my mom. I miss trees (yes, trees…there are almost none in this concrete city). I miss hearing birds and crickets. I miss hugging my grandparents and breathing in their smell. I miss feeling like there’s more out there for me. Because now that I am “out there,” I’m beginning to wonder if there really is more.
I gave up teaching in the hopes of finding something to do with my life that would leave me feeling equally as fulfilled, but less old. Less drained. I haven’t found that thing yet. I feel completely blessed to have the life I have here in Los Angeles, and I never take it for granted for even 30 seconds. But, I have been here a little over a year now, and have yet to figure out what to do with my life. I feel lost. Now I’m faced with a career path to choose (if it were up to me, I’d hide out all day and write novels, but that won’t pay the bills – at least not now). I’ve struggled with why having a career is so damn important to us in America. I am not defined by the way that I choose to pay my bills. It doesn’t make me into a better or worse person. And yet, there is something missing. I feel…unimportant, for lack of a better word. Feeling this way has made me feel like I almost don’t exist. I am totally uninspired (hence the lack of posts). Being so far away from home and the people I usually surround myself with when things get tough has made me feel even more alone and isolated. I’ve considered moving home immediately, but I’m reminding myself that I’m an adult and I made the choice to move here, and running home (no matter how welcome it would be and how happy I’d be to go back) is not that answer. I am forcing myself to see this through and figure out how to be whole again. For the first time in a while, I can almost feel myself almost starting to break into happiness again. But, I’m still lost. I don’t know what to do with my life and I hate this feeling…
What have you done to make yourself feel whole again when depression hits or when you don’t know what to do with your life?