It’s been embarassingly long since I’ve last posted…and for this, I will be neither embarrassed or apologetic. Big things have been happening for me, and I don’t mean TO me – that implies an outside force was affecting me. I mean the opposite; it’s been inside of me. I won’t get into the depths of any of it today, but I”m really hoping that what I experienced yesterday will have set me back on the right track with my writing and with my life. Already I feel lighter, more open.
LA is a tough city. And by tough, I mean it’ll kill you with kindness, and leave you sprawled on your back with no sense of who you are or who you were. I know this isn’t all LA’s fault. I was and have been a willing participant. I allowed myself to be swept up and away and have been left feeling lost and empty. I used to know so clearly and certainly who I was. This place has pushed, stretched, manipulated, and contorted me. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but after my experience yesterday (that I’ll for certain share, because I MUST), I am optimistic that it has all been for a reason; to test me, to strengthen me, to make me say “don’t I DESERVE good for being through so much bad?” and then to realize the Universe isn’t through teaching me yet. And that maybe this lesson that I am in the midst of learning is my biggest lesson to date in this life. I know I’m rambling, but it is rambling with intention, and that kind of rambling is okay – because I say so.
Later, I will tell the story of the past few months of my life to anyone who wants to hear it. Not because I’m a narcissist and feel my story is so important, but because we’re all human, and we’re all knee deep in shit, and if my story can help someone to feel less alone in their human experience, then it is my job to tell it. And so, I will leave myself bare and tell it.
But, not yet.