Bring Yourself Back to Life

Discarded flower.

Discarded flower.


I’ve come to an important realization recently, after a period of feeling so lost and without purpose that I truly would’ve done just about anything to feel alive again. I sat quietly with myself for a time, and reflected on why I felt so…lifeless. I rifled through the manilla “happiness” folders in my brain, sprinkling mental checkmarks next to all of the things I had that should leave me quite happy. As I got to the folder marked “goals,” I realized, mouth agape, that I’d stumbled upon the very root of the problem. I literally could not remember the last time I’d set a goal for myself. I racked my brain and came up with “move to California.” In a month and a half, it’ll be TWO YEARS since I’ve arrived here in California. That meant that it had been almost TWO YEARS since I’d pushed myself to do anything for ME. A goal.
Without goals, without personal hurdles to move toward, and jump over, we dry up. Immediately, as if I’d pushed a button, the clouds parted and I came up with a professional goal for myself (more on what that goal is soon). I am making that goal a reality as quickly as possible. Though this one is pretty big and life changing, don’t think that all goals have to be huge and life changing. A wall is built one brick at a time. If you’ve been feeling similarly lost, set tiny personal goals for yourself instead of tackling a huge one right off.
I’ve been feeling so much more alive and with more direction since I came up with a plan, and feel like I’ve got a new passion for life. I can’t wait to get the ball rolling! In the mean time, I’ve been using the knowledge I gained about goals to set smaller ones to keep propelling me forward until I can achieve the big one.

So, what are your goals?
Do you think goals are the key to happiness?

– A

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What I Know For Sure (Things I Won’t Apologize For)

Wherever you go, there you are.

Wherever you go, there you are.


Be it the fact that I’m now 30, the fearlessness I’ve adapted after dealing with huge losses, or simply being more confident and secure with myself, I have developed an expanding list of things that I refuse to be apologetic about. I’d more often consider it a blessing than a curse, because time and time again, I find this list saves me from dealing with situations and people that may prove to be less than healthy for me. At some point in my life, they were all things I used to cover up to make it easier for other people to like me. Now, not so much. Some of them are deep, and some are pretty silly and superficial, but they’re all me.

Here are a few:
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Why I Think You Should Choose the Hard Way

What anchors you?

What anchors you?

It’s amazing how in the course of one day, you can experience such a wide range of emotions.  This morning, I woke up sad.  And I mean sad.  Like, crying my eyes out when I got to my car after they told me the oven was broken at Starbucks so they couldn’t make me my egg white wrap (yes, I highly recommend the spinach, egg white, and feta wrap).  Of course, I wasn’t actually sad over the egg white wrap (luckily I like the oatmeal just as much).  I was sad because of a recent decision I’ve made for myself and stuck to.  And with that decision, I’ve figured out that I really am an adult now.

Without going into too much detail (hey, some stuff I just don’t want to share),  in the situation I found myself in, I really had to separate my heart from my head, and I think that’s something we only do when we’re truly adults; when we’ve figured out the difference between something we want to do, and something we have to do.  This wasn’t necessarily something I wanted to do, it was something I had to do for myself.  It was something that I knew would cause turbulence in my life, a ripple effect,  but ultimately would lead to growth.  I had to first recognize that it was going to be hard and sad, but use my adult brain to say, ” even though this really sucks, and it’s going to be terrible to deal with for a while, I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  And right now, I’m willing to acknowledge the fact that I’m going to have to deal with a hard time before the easy time comes.”  This simple foresight, and acknowledgement has set me free.

So after I woke up sad, I gave myself permission to spend the morning crying and be upset and feel just a little sorry for myself.  And then, I wiped my tears, got myself dressed, stepped out into the beautiful California sunshine and drove myself to work.  There, I talked to my sweet friends, I allowed myself to get excited about some recent decisions I’ve made for myself (more on that later!!! eeek! excitement!!!), was super nice to my customers, and drove myself home in peace, feeling just a little happier.  By the time I got home, I was ready to change into a pretty dress and go get some sushi with a very handsome man who took me on an absolutely gorgeous sunset drive through The Valley, all the way through Woodland Hills towards Calabasas.  It was so beautiful.  The air was balmy and warm – the remnants of a 90 degree day.  Traffic had dissipated.  We laughed and talked about our future endeavors.  It was all good.  By the time that handsome man got me home, I was smiling ear to ear and feeling like I was exactly where I should be and that everything was happening exactly the way it’s supposed to.  My heart is once again at peace.  And as I sit here with a cup of tea, and my sleeping dog in my lap, I can’t help but feel….okay.

Life is hard.  We sometimes are faced with situations when we can either stay the same, because it’s comfortable and doesn’t involve voluntary hurt, or we can knowingly choose the more difficult option and change.  Change in a way that doesn’t involve instant good feelings, but change that involves a slow evolution.  Seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.

Today,

I am proud of me.

I am one tough cookie, and I know it.

Does it always feel great?

 

 

 

nope.

 

 

but….

 

that’s okay with me.

 

Because I know……

 

there’s light at the end of this tunnel.  And if it involves taking the harder road to get me to the smooth highway,

 

 

well,

 

 

luckily I’m good at riding 4-wheelers.

 

 

 

Huh?

 

 

 

– A